Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
this will be a night to untag.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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