Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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