I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
