What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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