he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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