Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
