hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize