Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
