so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
