After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
