My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
