Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
