If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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