Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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