I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
These tits shall not be calmed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
