Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i barfeds in our rink
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
