i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
