Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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