Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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