i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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