his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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