I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
