If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
