if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Houston, we have a squirter
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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