I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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