Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
