Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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