I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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