she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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