the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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