seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
