My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
