so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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