It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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