hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
