mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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