Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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