So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
