You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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