I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
