party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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