Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
