And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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