we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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