MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
