Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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