remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
