wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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