Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
