Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
