the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
