I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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