I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Use "feeling words"
Yay
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
