I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
