So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
