I'm eating all of the evidence.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
